To Be Yours Page 15

  And I knew now that I needed friends.

  “You’ve got to fix this.” Without thinking, I lunged for my phone lying on the dresser, where I’d left it without answering JJ’s text. I dialed his number before I realized what I was doing.

  “Hey,” he said, and I almost hung up. But that was so junior high and I didn’t want him to think badly of me. He already would after I finished this call.

  “Hey.” I collapsed onto my bed, unable to stand up and speak at the same time.

  “Can you come to the dog park?”

  “Uh.” I pressed my eyes closed. “Listen, JJ, you’re a great guy, but I don’t think—that is—I can’t go to the prom with you.” My right leg bounced and bounced, and I couldn’t get my pulse to settle either.

  JJ sounded partly hurt but mostly angry when he asked, “Why not?”

  I laughed, because I wasn’t sure what else to do. “I know it makes no sense, but when you asked me that afternoon, someone else had already asked me. And well, I’d already told him I’d go with him.”

  He sighed, and it felt like a really long time passed before he said, “Why didn’t you say that when I asked?”

  I hung my head, glad we weren’t in the same room but dreading going to school on Monday. “I don’t know, JJ. Honest, I don’t. I’d just started saying yes to guys, and I just sort of blurted it.”

  “Yeah, whatever.”

  “I didn’t mean to…”

  He waited for me to finish, but I didn’t know how. “I’m sorry,” I finally said. “Maybe we can hang out another time.”

  “Who asked you?” he asked.

  I really didn’t want to tell him, but maybe Grayson would corroborate my story on when he’d asked me. “Grayson Young.”

  JJ swore before saying, “I knew it.”

  “I’m sorry.” My emotion nearly choked me. “Honest, JJ, let’s go to the dog park or a movie or something.”

  “Really? When?”

  “How about tonight?” My throat felt coated in acid at the thought of getting myself presentable for a date in less than a couple of hours.

  “Sure,” he said. “I’ll come by around seven?”

  “Seven, sure.” I pushed a smile to my lips in the hopes it would shine through in my words. “See you then.” I hung up and flopped back on my bed. I breathed in and out, in and out, thinking maybe I’d just solved my problem. So I’d hang out with JJ a little. I liked him. We could be friends after Grayson left for college.

  Someone knocked on my door and Josh poked his head in only a moment later. “Have you talked to Grayson today?” He looked concerned, if not a little grumpy.

  My mouth operated on auto-pilot. “Yeah.”

  Grayson. How had I messed up again? What would Grayson think if he found out I’d been hanging out with JJ?

  It’s not a date, I told myself. I’d specifically said “hang out” and not “go out.” It’s not a date.

  Josh stepped through the doorway. “Did he sound upset?”

  Oh my heck! Going to a movie with a guy is a date! I moaned, the sound starting out low and morphing into a high-pitched noise.

  “Eden.” Josh put his hands on my shoulders. “Eden, calm down. Tell me what’s going on.”

  If Thea found out…

  I took a deep breath. How was it possible that I’d screwed things up again? And even worse this time!

  I could fix this. I could. I just didn’t know how.

  * * *

  An hour later, I’d managed to erase all signs of panic from my face. My eyes only bore a little blotch of redness. I smoothed down the red shirt I’d paired with a pair of black jeans just as Josh appeared in my doorway.

  He looked me up and down. “You’re going out?”

  I looked at him, unsure of what to say. Girls who kissed one boy probably didn’t go out with another. “I...I just told JJ about how stupid I am. I said we could hang out another time. He suggested tonight.” Or had I done that? Everything inside me felt twisted wrong, like someone had taken out my organs, mashed them up, and stuck them back in.

  Josh didn’t look up from his phone for a few seconds. “What are you doing?”

  I cocked my head at him the way Bubba did when I said something in a high-pitched voice. What did he mean? Like, what was I doing that night? Or what was I doing in general, with Grayson and JJ?

  “Going to a movie?” I guessed. “We’re just hanging out. It’s not a date.”

  His thumbs flew across his device, and my patience ran out. “Go text in your own room.” I pushed against his shoulder and he gave me a disgruntled look.

  I didn’t care. I needed to figure out what to wear while “hanging out” at a movie with a boy who liked me but who I didn’t want to kiss goodnight. With Josh gone and my door closed, I leaned against it and tried to breathe. Maybe this is why you didn’t date for a year, I thought. Too complicated.

  Then I thought, This is not a date!

  That was very clear in my head, but I had a feeling it was less so for JJ, and that Grayson wouldn’t see it that way at all.

  I couldn’t hurt him. I went to movies with Mona. This was simply like that. But somehow, I knew it wasn’t. Grayson would know it too.

  My phone went off, startling me away from the door. If it was Grayson or JJ or Josh, I wasn’t sure I wanted to check it. I reached for it like I would a spider, finally turning it over. Relief washed through me.

  Mona.

  What are you doing tonight?

  I didn’t want to tell her either, mostly because I had no clue. I found myself dialing, and Mona picked up on the first ring. “I’m hosting a chocolate potluck tonight,” she said instead of hello. “You should bring some of those cookies you made this morning. Or did you take them all to Grayson?” A heavy hint of playfulness rode in her question.

  I groaned, because that sounded better than anything I’d be doing. I sat down on my bed. “I need help. I think I may have made things worse. I told JJ I couldn’t go to the prom with him, but now we’re going to a movie tonight instead.”

  Mona exhaled, like she was trying to find patience for a small child.

  My desperation and feelings of inadequacy roared toward the surface. “And I have no idea what to wear to the movies. I didn’t even wear the right clothes to go shopping.” My eyes landed on that blasted Little House on the Prairie book, the well-worn edges of my father’s letter sticking out the top. Anger surged. When had I become so socially inept?

  Right around the time I decided to spend more time with my dead father’s words than I did with other people.

  “I’m coming over,” Mona said. “Be there in ten.” She hung up before I could protest. Then I realized I didn’t want to protest. I didn’t want to continue fumbling around in my life. Sure, it was only a movie, only prom. But if I couldn’t even handle them, how could I deal with bigger things?

  I grabbed my book and wrenched the paper from the pages. I stuffed it in my pocket as I entered the fray that was the kitchen. Mom had decided today would be a good weekend to put in two dozen freezer meals, and the counter had stations with cooked lasagna noodles, trays of meat and cheese, and a big pot of sauce. It seemed like Lily had more sauce on her apron than anywhere else, but she happily slopped some more into the pan Mom placed in front of her.

  I stalled near the dining room table and took in the crazy. My heart swelled for my sister and my mom. They were friends. Maybe if I’d spent time like this with Mom after Dad had died, I’d be able to ask her advice about what to wear to a movie, and how to deal with accidentally accepting two invitations to prom.

  Instead, I’d lost myself inside paper and ink, haunted by the words of a man who didn’t even know me, had never raised a child before, and died much too young.

  Sadness soared through me, choking me. I moved, quickly bypassing the kitchen and heading into the garage. The letter in my pocket felt like cement. I pulled it out and smoothed it against the workbench that ran along the back of the garage.


  Dear Eden

  I tore my eyes away and yanked open the top drawer. With a little rummaging, I came up with a long, outdoor lighter, the kind Terry used to light the gas grill. One click, one touch of flame to paper, and the letter curled into smoke and ash.

  I watched it, expecting to feel remorse or regret. I felt nothing. My body didn’t seem to be made of human cells, but more like the charred remains of my dad’s letter. After what felt like a long time, I finally reached out and swept my hand across the workbench. The ashes scattered, leaving a stain of black soot.

  I returned to the house and calmly walked down the hall to the bathroom to wash my hands. The doorbell rang just as I finished. It would be Mona, most likely, but I didn’t call that I’d get it. I looked at the girl in the mirror, and wondered who she was. She wasn’t the girl who’d gone skiing because her brother begged her to.

  She wasn’t the girl who climbed the mountain, or kissed Grayson Young under the falling snow. She was someone new. Someone who was ready to have a friend come over to help her get ready to hang out with a boy. The girl who could wear a navy blue prom dress and be okay when people looked at her. A girl who could decide her own future.

  I tore my eyes away from myself and called, “I’ll get the door,” because no one else in this House of Homemade Lasagna for Days had said anything.

  When boys text:

  Josh to Grayson: Eden’s freaking out and I don’t know why.

  Grayson: She’s mad at me.

  Josh: She’s actually crying. Come over.

  Grayson: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

  Josh: Get over here.

  26

  Grayson

  A couple of hours after Josh’s texts, I pulled up to Eden’s house and found the driveway full. The car she and Josh shared was parked in its usual spot beneath the basketball hoop, and another sedan sat next to that. I parked on the street and eyed the unfamiliar car as I walked to the front door. Josh opened it before I could knock. He looked angry, and Josh never got angry.

  “Hey,” I said, barely daring to enter the house. He’d said to come over because Eden was upset, but her laughter floated into my ears from somewhere inside the house. He couldn’t be too mad if she’d gotten over our phone call already. Right?

  He stepped out onto the porch, the smell of tomato sauce—the kind that stewed for hours—coming with him. “Mona’s still here.”

  “All right.” I wasn’t sure what was going on. If Eden had Mona, why had I needed to come over? Seemed like me saying mean things and then hanging up would be perfect best friend fodder. “Did you—?”

  Josh nodded past me, and I turned as a swath of headlights cut through the near-darkness and another car parked behind Mona’s. “Let’s go inside.” He opened the door, and I followed him through it, a pit opening in the bottom of my stomach. The house smelled like oregano and browned beef, which was better than the stale air I’d been breathing at my place. Josh’s mom threw me a smile and asked if I was staying for dinner.

  I cut a glance at Josh, who shrugged. “Sure,” I said. I could text Luke and Darren and let them know. We moved into the kitchen, where Josh handed me a plate. He had his hand on the spatula resting in the half-empty lasagna pan when the doorbell rang.

  “I’ll get it!” Eden called from down the hall. A flurry of giggles followed, and the pit became bottomless. If Thea walked through that door, I couldn’t predict what I’d do. At least Josh had control of the spatula that could do the most damage.

  Eden flew down the hall, not even sparing a glance toward the kitchen. Mona followed, but paused at the mouth of the hall to watch. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Eden, whose glorious copper hair flowed around her shoulders in soft curls. She wore a black denim skirt and the strappiest sandals I’d ever seen. And I didn’t think her mom would let her out of the house in such a flimsy, silky, nearly see-through tank top. It bore flowers in blue and white against a pink background, and my mouth turned dry.

  She stopped in front of the door. Her shoulders rose as she took a deep breath. Then she opened the door and said, “Hey, JJ.”

  The plate I’d been holding in anticipation of filing it with pasta clattered to the counter, almost like my fingers had forgotten how to work. Angry heat rushed through me. No one but Josh seemed to notice the noise, as chaotic as mealtimes at his house were.

  Mona’s eyes flickered toward me though, and then panic raced across her face. She stepped forward like she could shield me from the scene at the front door with her lithe frame. But a sumo wrestler couldn’t have blocked the sight of JJ Ashcroft stepping into Eden’s house and wrapping her in a hug.

  My insides turned to ice, and my feet seemed to have a mind of their own. They moved toward the garage exit even though Josh said, “Grayson, wait.”

  I didn’t wait. I didn’t need to see this. I took in a lungful of chilly air, angry all over again. Why had Josh told me to come over? Why had Eden been so upset about me talking to Thea? What had Thea meant by Eden was hiding something about prom?

  I turned around and marched right back into the house. I was done hiding. Done trying to pretend everything was hunky dory when it wasn’t. I’d been doing that for years, and nothing had ever really worked out with that strategy.

  “Eden,” I said, my voice rough. Ragged.

  She turned toward me, and JJ met my eye. The smile on his face disappeared, and horror washed across Eden’s. She glanced to Mona first, then to Josh, who stepped out of the kitchen to stand by my side.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked.

  “What are you doing, period?” I countered. I glanced to JJ. “No offense, man. I just thought her and I were...you know. She’s my girlfriend.” I lifted my chin, daring her to contradict me. Daring him.

  He held up his hands and took a step back. “We were just going to hang out.” He didn’t leave though, which irked me further. I folded my arms and waited for Eden to talk. I’d done that before—on the mountain—and that had worked out okay.

  “Tell him,” Josh said.

  She glared at her brother, and the meal behind us seemed to quiet as if even the kids knew Eden had something to say. A chair scraped and her mom walked into the living room.

  “Eden, what’s going on?” She put her hand on Eden’s arm, and it seemed to cause her to deflate.

  “Grayson asked me to prom.” Her eyes found mind and latched on. “I said yes. And then, that same day after school, JJ asked me. I was so surprised, and I didn’t know what to do, and I sort of said yes to him too.”

  Yes to him too.

  “That was last week,” I said. I hadn’t heard a single thing around school of JJ and Eden going to the prom together, and people would talk about that.

  “She asked me not to say anything,” JJ said.

  “I would guess not.” My voice sounded arctic, but I didn’t know how to soften it.

  “Only Mona knew, but Thea’s...” Eden sighed. “She’s been trying to find dirt on me, and I think she may have found out. So I was trying to fix things before you found out.”

  A tiny corner of my heart thawed, but I said nothing.

  “So I called JJ and explained everything, and said we could hang out another time, and well.” She pressed her lips together and gestured to him and then me. “We’re just hanging out. You know, like how friends hang out.”

  I turned away from her pleading eyes and picked up my plate. “That’s comforting.” I scooped a double portion of lasagna onto my plate and moved around the counter to the dining room table. Terry looked at me like I’d sprouted horns as I sat next to him. “Have a great time.”

  Every eye volleyed back to Eden, but I looked past her. Through her. Surely she wouldn’t go now. But why was JJ still standing there?

  I focused on my food, ignoring everything around me. I still heard the closet door open and close. Clothing rustled as Eden put on a jacket. Low voices murmured—Eden and her mother. The front door opened and clos
ed.

  And then Eden was gone.

  Out on a date with another guy, no matter that she’d enunciated hang out. I knew how guys like JJ thought, and if I’d been in his place and Eden wearing that tank top, it would be a date, not just a couple of hours hanging out.

  The knife in my stomach made eating really difficult.

  Voicemail to Grayson, 10:26 PM:

  “Grayson, pick up the phone, please.

  It’s Eden.

  I know you’re awake.

  Call me back.”

  Texts from Eden to Grayson, 10:27 pm

  The movie was really lame.

  Nothing happened.

  I fixed everything with him.

  So I can be with you.

  Please call me.

  27

  Eden

  A week later, I tugged on the collar of my costume, the chill from the ice penetrating my skin from ten feet away. I paced, the covers on my skates keeping me from sinking into the mats.

  Worry needled me. I’d called Grayson a dozen times in six days, and his silence cut deep. He hadn’t shown up to health class, and though he’d said he’d come watch me skate, he wasn’t here.

  My insides felt like someone had poured in hot gelatin and let it cool. They jiggled and wiggled, and Trish put both her hands on my shoulders. “You’ve got this. Your double-double was beautiful yesterday afternoon.”

  I bit my thumbnail and nodded, my mind as far from my routine as it could get. She handed me my phone, my earbuds already plugged in. I stuck the headphones in my ears and tuned out the world. Tuned out the fact that not a single person I knew was there to watch me compete.

  A half an hour later, Trish tugged on the cord leading from my ears to the phone. “You’re up in three numbers.”

  I handed her my device and went to the staging area. When I was announced, a high-pitched cheer went up, and I couldn’t help it. I looked up into the crowd and found Mona whooping and clapping, my brother beside her with a wide grin on his face.